Puppets, big and small, but mostly big, creep me out. Anyone that knows me is aware of this. I make no secret about the fact that I want nothing to do with Bugs Bunny at Six Flags or the BHS Beaver at the local high school game. I don't like big puppets looking at me or doing weird hand gestures and body shakes in my direction. The only reason I don't like good seats to the Cardinals games is because of the increased likelihood that Fred Bird will come near me. This isn't some unfounded phobia, I have logical, concrete reasons for my feelings toward big puppets...and here they are.
First of all, you have to ask yourself, what kind of a person thinks it is a good idea to dress up in a big hot costume and walk around bothering people for a living? Why would anyone make this a career choice? One time when I was working in student services at UMSL I had to pick up the mascot costume. It smelled like salty B.O. and greenbean water. It was disgusting. I knew I wouldn't want anything to do with somebody that would put that on their head and dance at basketball games. Think about it.
Second of all, they never talk. That's just weird. The cartoon characters talk. So now you're like a huge puffy mute version of the real thing and that makes no sense.
Third of all...where are they looking? Their eyes are plush and don't even have pupils. They have this mesh air hole that I can't see in, but they can see out of. I don't trust anything that can look at me and I don't know it. You old creepy ass.
Finally, they can't take a hint. If a kid is screaming at the top of their lungs because they are smart and know that you're not right, why would you keep trying to high five them? If I turn the other direction and pretend not to see you, why do you single me out for an extra weird shake dance thing, or whatever it is you're doing. Why are you so damn pushy? You get the same 7 bucks an hour regardless, so this is personal. Back off.
Ask yourself this people. If someone came up to you at Schnucks wearing sunglasses and started shaking their butt and trying to high five your kid, never saying a word....would this be ok? Yet somehow if they dress up like a chicken it's all good? I say no.
Do you know anyone personally that is a big puppet for a living? No? Me either. Who are these people and how come we don't know them? Where do they hang out when they are not terrifying the public at a theme park? There is probably some big creepy puppet hangout where they all get a good laugh at the psychological damage they did that day. They probably have big creepy puppet parties where they do the duck dance and the locomotion.
Be afraid people, be very afraid.
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