Dear Lady in the Parking Lot

Dear Lady in the Parking Lot,

I counted.  There were 37 open spots in the lot this morning.  In fact, I was the only car in it, until you arrived.  So I’m curious, with a lot full of spaces, why did you pull up RIGHT NEXT to me? I park there, by myself, for several reasons…and you messed up my whole routine.  

First of all, I park that far away just so no one will pull up next to me.  I don’t want anyone next to me because this is the time I like to spend in my rearview mirror.  This is the perfect time for me to make sure there are no “bats in the cave.”  It is also the place with the perfect morning sunlight (that no bathroom vanity light can replicate) to catch the tweezer oversight.  That insane two inch long blonde hair poking out from the chin or upper lip that somehow made it past my close inspection.  You know the one, the one that sprouts out of nowhere in record time.  The one that leaves you horrified, wondering how many people saw it before you caught it.  Well my morning parking lot routine is where I find it, and I couldn’t with you there, so I probably have a goatee by now, thanks a lot.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that you pulled up right next to me, you sat in your car forever.  It was like you were taunting me.  I waited, and waited, and waited..and you just sat there.  I know you weren’t waiting to pick or tweeze or you would have parked at the other end and gone to town.  

You’re probably the same lady that had a cell phone conversation in the bathroom while I was in the stall waiting for you to leave.  Yeah you know who you are, the one that was talking to your “boo” for eternity.  The total weirdo that that ended your call, apologized to me by saying “Sorry girl, you know how it is when your man calls, you got to get the phone…”, and left!  No I don’t know how it is and why didn’t you leave first?  You had no business left in the bathroom at all…Who does that??? It felt gross and I couldn’t pee. Didn’t your “boo” hear  the flushing?  Aren’t you afraid of sick little public restroom germs clinging to your phone?  How can you use the word “boo” in a public bathroom anyway?…yuck.  That’s like getting it on at your grandma’s house or something..you just don’t do it.  I had three appointments after that and all I could think about was how weird and gross that restroom interaction was.  I lost almost a day of productivity just thinking about it.  That bathroom stunk and you were talking a lot, which means you were inhaling the funk word after word.  I always hold my breath in that bathroom, its just good practice.  Then I started to wonder if I am ever talking to my "boo" on the phone and he is in some sick ass public restroom talking all sweet and nice as if he is sitting on a rainbow holding a kitten.  Because that's what you did and I bet your boyfriend has no idea.    Kinda misleading don't you think? I wanted to find you and confront you but I’m really a big wuss, so it never happened. 

Look it’s not rocket science, its simple bathroom and parking lot etiquette.  Does there need to be a book, really?  Come on lady, get your life together. In the meantime I’ll be parking down the street and peeing in a cup under my desk.